Happy Thanksgiving!

Well it's Thanksgiving Day here in the States and we’re celebrating our first one together. So, as cheesy as it is, we thought we would take the time to make a new blog post (finally!) and give a bit of thanks on this holiday.

First, we would like to say that we’re thankful for our family and friends. Our families are the ones who have had the most influence in shaping the people that we are today. They’ve stood by us through the hardest parts of our lives and helped out when we needed it. Our friends have given us a lot of enjoyment over the years, and some of them have become almost like family to us.

Second, and most important, we’re thankful to have had each other in our lives over the past year. We celebrated one year together back in October, and what a year it has been. We both agree that this is the happiest and most content we’ve ever been in our lives. Our relationship gets stronger and deeper by the day and we are still getting to know each other. We still surprise each other with some little tidbit of previously unrevealed information now and then; it’s unlikely that we’ll ever know everything there is about each other. We honestly can't imagine life without one another ever again.

As a final note, we’re going to try to start updating this blog regularly again. We still have a lot we’d like to talk about, so hopefully you’ll be seeing something from us again soon.

Defining Asexuality

SETH: We kinda started this blog with an idea that the people who would be reading it would already have a general sort of concept of what asexuality is, however, looking back, we probably should have done some basic explaining in the beginning. So, a month or so in, here's what should have been one of our first topics - defining asexuality.

I'd like to start this off by going over what asexuality is not. It is not:

• Celibacy
• A dislike of sex
• A lack of libido
• Closet homosexuality
• A lifestyle
• A choice in any way

What asexuality IS:

• A sexual orientation characterized by a lack of sexual attraction towards anyone, regardless of gender.

There is a common misconception that to be asexual is to be completely averse to all forms of sexuality, and that a “true” asexual person has never had sex, is never going to, and is repulsed by the very idea of it. While that is the case for some asexual people, it is by no means the definition of asexuality. The only thing that actually defines asexuality as a whole is what is written above - the simple lack of feeling sexual attraction towards other people.

Consider a young girl who has not yet had sex but identifies as being heterosexual. Her lack of sexual experience with men does not invalidate her orientation, nor does her eventual experiences with sex make her more of a “real” heterosexual than she was previously – she is heterosexual because of the simple fact that she likes boys. Alternatively, consider a homosexual man who is afraid of coming out of the closet or doesn't want to disappoint his family, prompting him to enter a relationship with a woman and possibly even marry her just for the sake of seeming “normal”. This relationship doesn't mean that he isn't gay, and even if he has sex with his wife 100 times, it won't change the fact that deep down, he isn't actually attracted to her sexually.

Likewise, an asexual person can enter a sexual relationship and still identify as asexual, because it isn't your behavior that defines your orientation, it's who you are – and are not – sexually attracted to.

REMY: If we look up asexual in a dictionary we may find a definition similar to "Lacking interest in or desire for sex." This definition may be applicable in many situations, but it is not the definition of asexual in terms of sexual orientation. Unfortunately, many people when first becoming acquainted with asexuality may find this definition and think that is what people mean when they say they are asexual. Granted, many people in the asexual community do not have any interest in or desire for sex, but this is by no means the norm.

Sexual orientation is defined by to whom one is and is not attracted. Although it is often explained as merely to whom one feels sexual attraction, this is an incomplete picture of the nature of sexual orientation. If someone describes themselves as homosexual they mean not only that they are attracted to the same sex but they are also not attracted to the opposite sex, otherwise they would describe themselves as bisexual or pansexual. Therefore, we must define sexual orientation in terms of to whom one is not attracted as well.

Asexuality is, simply put, an orientation in which the individual is not sexually attracted to anybody or anything.

Occasionally I see questions or concerns directed at asexual people about them never getting to experience love because of their asexuality. For some people, it seems, the concepts of romance and sexuality are inseparable. However, whenever I have asked a heterosexual person if the people with whom they think they could fall in love and the people to whom they are sexually attracted are always the same people they invariably say no. So it seems that romance and sexuality are not the same thing.

As two asexual people in a romantic relationship we are living proof that we don't need to experience sexual attraction to know love.

Physical Intimacy

Today's subject is physical intimacy and asexuality. And by "physical intimacy" we mean anything from holding hands to having sex.

REMY: I've noticed a lot of diversity within the asexual community on the subject of physical intimacy. For example, I know one person who can't even stand the sound of kissing, and another who recently became a parent (the natural way). Some people seem quite uncomfortable with any kind of physical intimacy at all while others are okay with having sex (and some can even enjoy it). And of course I have seen every comfort level between these two extremes.

When it comes to being in a romantic relationship it's very important that the people involved be compatible in the area of physical intimacy. This doesn't mean that they have to like all the same kinds of affection, just that they have be comfortable with what the other wants to do. And if partner A wants to do something that partner B isn't comfortable with it, then partner A needs to be okay with not doing it. If there's a big discrepancy one or both partners can come to feel unfulfilled.

SETH: One of the reasons our relationship works so well is because Remy and I both have the same comfort level, or close to it. We both enjoy kisses and touching and physical closeness. We’re also comfortable with experimenting with sexuality, which is something that I personally thought I’d never be okay with.

Having an asexual partner has actually made me more open to many of the more physical aspects of relationships, because I know that neither of us is being driven by some kind of sexual need for whatever it is we’ve decided to experiment with. Knowing that he feels the same way that I do, that we’re both just playing around for curiosities sake and that if one of us gets bored it’s no big deal to stop and do something else instead makes me feel a lot more open to trying things that I’d ordinarily never try.

It's important as well to realize that you can try - and enjoy - physical parts of relationships and still be asexual. That, however, is another topic for another day.

Nonsexual Attraction

SETH: This is another topic I see questions about a lot, even within the asexual community. How do you know you’re attracted to someone if you don’t feel sexual attraction? It’s a tough one for me to answer because I don’t know how attraction feels when it IS sexual; it’s difficult to deconstruct what I feel and compare it to something I’ve never experienced. But I’ll try my best.

I remember the first time I saw a picture of Remy. It was in the AVEN chatroom not too long after we first met there; I don’t remember what the topic was at the time, but somewhere in the midst of it he posted a link to a picture of himself with bright, lime green hair, and I remember thinking to myself, Wow. What an absolutely amazing person.

I looked at that picture for a long time, and found myself really wanting to get to know him better, not because he was good looking (which he is) but because he looked like an incredibly interesting person. The way he presented himself - his clothes, his hair, the way he was posing in the picture… it was like a visual representation of his personality, and I liked it. He looked like someone who would be fun to talk to and spend time with.

I’m emphasizing how I felt about his appearance here because the way people look seems to be a big part of sexual attraction. There was never a point when I looked at that picture or other pictures after it where I felt any sort of physical desire for him. I did want to kiss him after we’d gotten closer, but other than that the only physical urge I felt was a desire to be able to reach out and touch him in person. I wanted to hug him and touch his face and hold his hand and just know what it felt like to be in the same room with him. Now that we’re living together I can do all of those things, and they’re great, but the actual attraction that I feel for him comes from who he is as a person.

REMY: The first time I saw pictures of Seth was probably on his Facebook page, but he was wearing a hat and/or shades in all of them so I couldn't really see what he looked like. I had to really get to know him in order to get that privilege. I fell in love with his face during those long evening Skype conversations. I know Seth doesn't really like compliments about his looks but I do like the way he looks. I do find him aesthetically attractive. However, looking at him doesn't actually turn me on sexually.

There is also an intellectual attraction that I feel toward him. I love his mind and the way he thinks. We share a very similar way of looking at the world and analyzing it.

But I think for me the most attractive thing about Seth is that he plays with me. He is definitely an adult. He takes responsibility for himself and his actions. He works hard for his money and is very careful with it after he gets paid. But he still likes to play games with me. I don't mean organized games with rules and such, I mean the types of games children play on a playground - where you just goof around and make stuff up as you go. We enjoy our time together because we don't take ourselves too seriously. We speak in funny voices, we make up words or use silly internet slang just for the hell of it.

Now, some may read this and think, "What a great friend you've got there." Well, yes. We are great friends, that's for sure. But our feelings for each other are very deep and very strong, and our relationship is emotionally intimate. We may not be sexually attracted to each other but we are very romantic with each other.

What's The Difference Between Friendship and an Asexual Relationship?

AKA the #1 most commonly asked question concerning asexual romance.

REMY: My first thought whenever hearing this question is: "Seriously? You're really asking that question?" I really don't understand the confusion, but I'll answer the question anyway.

To be blunt, I don't snog my friends. Nor do I feel the same feelings for them that I do for my partner. Don't get me wrong, I love my friends, I love them very much. But the feelings I have for them hardly compares to the deep affection I feel for Seth. It is like comparing a bathtub to a swimming pool, there's a world of difference.

Also, as I mentioned, I don't treat my friends the way I treat my partner. I may hug my friends or give them a pat on the back, but that happens infrequently. My partner, on the other hand, I kiss and cuddle with frequently.

Furthermore, at the end of the day I'm glad to see my friends leave. I enjoy their company (otherwise they wouldn't be my friends) don't want to be around them 24/7. However, I really want to to curl up next to my partner and fall asleep in their arms.

SETH: Yeah, this question always boggles my mind. I may as well go ask someone what the difference is between a relationship and a friend with benefits. I mean, they both involve sex, right? How are they different things?

The difference is that a friend with benefits is just a friend that you sleep with, while a relationship, on the other hand, is a commitment to someone who you have real feelings for. Someone who gives you butterflies in your stomach that no one else does.

There are so many other things that make a relationship. Sure, sex might be part of it, but it isn’t the foundation. Sex is more like the cheese on top of a hamburger – it’s damn good stuff, and you may never personally order a burger without it, but a cheeseless burger is still a burger. And some people like their burgers without cheese, just like some people like eating cheese straight out of the package without putting it on anything.

Sex and love are not mutually inclusive things – yeah, they go together for a lot of people, but if sex can occur without love (such as with that friend with benefits, or perhaps a one night stand) then logically we can conclude that love can occur without sex. It isn’t inferior to sexual love, it's just a different type of hamburger.

Introduction

Welcome to Kisses & Cake, a blog about asexual couplehood written by an asexual couple.

While there are a lot of blogs out there that are about asexuality or are run by an asexual person, we noticed that there didn't seem to be one that explored the topic of asexual relationships from the viewpoint of two aces who are in one together. Seeing as this is a subject that many people are curious/confused about, and seeing as we're shameless and will jump for any excuse to talk about each other, we decided to go ahead and create one ourselves!

REMY: On AVEN I am known as Shockwave but originally used the name Xenius13. I was born in May 1972 and have been living in the Portland, OR area for almost three years now (and in Portland proper for two years) though I lived in the Provo, UT area for most of my life. I have been an active member of the Asexual community since June 2004, which makes me a veteran, considering the AVEN forum was started barely two years before that.

SETH: I first joined AVEN two years ago under the username WaffleM; nowadays I go by Lego M there and pretty much everywhere else on the internet. I'm 25 years old, and while I've had a general awareness of my asexuality since I was 18 I didn't properly understand and identify with it until two years ago. I consider myself to be panromantic and also identify as genderqueer/trans*; I may or may not talk more about that here sometime if I feel it's relevant. I've been living in Portland with Remy for a month now, though we started out in a long distance relationship.

That's about it for an introductory post. Keep an eye out for future ramblings here from the both of us.