AKA the #1 most commonly asked question concerning asexual romance.
REMY: My first thought whenever hearing this question is: "Seriously? You're really asking that question?" I really don't understand the confusion, but I'll answer the question anyway.
To be blunt, I don't snog my friends. Nor do I feel the same feelings for them that I do for my partner. Don't get me wrong, I love my friends, I love them very much. But the feelings I have for them hardly compares to the deep affection I feel for Seth. It is like comparing a bathtub to a swimming pool, there's a world of difference.
Also, as I mentioned, I don't treat my friends the way I treat my partner. I may hug my friends or give them a pat on the back, but that happens infrequently. My partner, on the other hand, I kiss and cuddle with frequently.
Furthermore, at the end of the day I'm glad to see my friends leave. I enjoy their company (otherwise they wouldn't be my friends) don't want to be around them 24/7. However, I really want to to curl up next to my partner and fall asleep in their arms.
SETH: Yeah, this question always boggles my mind. I may as well go ask someone what the difference is between a relationship and a friend with benefits. I mean, they both involve sex, right? How are they different things?
The difference is that a friend with benefits is just a friend that you sleep with, while a relationship, on the other hand, is a commitment to someone who you have real feelings for. Someone who gives you butterflies in your stomach that no one else does.
There are so many other things that make a relationship. Sure, sex might be part of it, but it isn’t the foundation. Sex is more like the cheese on top of a hamburger – it’s damn good stuff, and you may never personally order a burger without it, but a cheeseless burger is still a burger. And some people like their burgers without cheese, just like some people like eating cheese straight out of the package without putting it on anything.
Sex and love are not mutually inclusive things – yeah, they go together for a lot of people, but if sex can occur without love (such as with that friend with benefits, or perhaps a one night stand) then logically we can conclude that love can occur without sex. It isn’t inferior to sexual love, it's just a different type of hamburger.
Well spoken.
ReplyDeleteThere are different kinds of love - familial love, friendship love, pet love, and, romantic spousal love. You don't have sex with either your friends or your family or your pets (sorry for the grossness) yet despite loving them all, you know you love them differently. How?
ReplyDeleteFor me: I don't want to kiss and cuddle with my friends. I don't like living with them. I don't think about them all the time during my day. I don't worry about them when they don't call. I don't miss them, to the point of feeling pain and getting depressed, when they're away. I don't want to be with them forever.
My romantic partner is the most important person in my life. After that comes my other family, and then my friends. That's the main difference.
I'm really thankful for this post. When I hear that question I want to ask the person, "If you didn't have sex with the person you were in a romantic relationship with, what qualities would still make them your partner?" Sometimes it's easier to get people to see the light when you turn the tables on them.
ReplyDeleteThis is a really good post. I feel like it should be also a really obvious conclusion to come to, but apparently some people have difficulty distinguishing sex from love.
ReplyDeleteOne thing, though: I'm not sure I agree with you that romantic relationships (asexual or otherwise) are inherently deeper or more important than friendships. It's a different kind of feeling. My best friend is the most important person in my life, and I love them dearly, but the feelings I have for them are definitely not romantic.
I think the difference is not in terms of depth or value, but just the type of affection. If asexual romantic love is like a hamburger without cheese, then I'd call friendship a club sandwich. They're different, not less or greater than the other. (And either can include cheese, but for the lactose intolerant or simply uninterested among us there is absolutely no need for it.)
That's a good point, James. Some people put more importance on their romantic relationships than their friendships, and some do not. And still other put more importance on their friendships than their romances.
ReplyDeleteWe were trying to stress the point that friendship and romance are different things. We hadn't gone at it from quite the same angle. I think it needed saying though.
Excellent twist on the analogy to illustrate your point as well.
-Remy
Having just come out of a relationship where my unwillingness to have my burger with cheese, as it were, was the cause of the relationship ending, this post really helped. Also, may I award the Best Metaphor in a Blog award to you? :)
ReplyDeleteNow following this blog, thanks guys!
I second James's comment, but otherwise am really grateful for this post. I'm in an asexual relationship with one person and a sexual relationship with another. One is not inferior to another; they're just different relationships.
ReplyDeletehttp://www.theinnbetween.net/polyme.html#priority I like Sternberg's Triangular Theory of Love, personally. 7 different types of relationships based on varying amounts of 3 different components. (much like 3 people in a relationship give 7 total relationship configurations within those 3).
ReplyDeleteNSSOs would be in the Companionate category, while "friends" would be in the Liking category (in this case, the word "like" is not a consolation prize, second to "love", it's the description for the *type* of love)
Still makes no sense to me. To me, it sounds like just different degrees of friendship - like 'best friend' versus just 'friend'. I really don't get how you can call it romance without sex.
ReplyDelete(Asexual, probably aromantic judging from how confusing I find the very concept.)
Oh, and by the way, I don't think love without sex is inferior. I think close friendships are every bit as valuable as romantic relationships.
ReplyDeleteWell, Ettina.
ReplyDeleteSeth and I have a very affectionate, yet entirely sexless, relationship. The level of affection and intimacy in this relationship is far beyond anything I would have with a friend. I realize it doesn't fit some people's definition of romance due to the lack of sex but it doesn't fit my definition of friendship either. I don't cuddle with or kiss my buddies, male or female.
And to me, being in love with someone and wanting to have sex with them are two very distinct things.