Nonsexual Attraction

SETH: This is another topic I see questions about a lot, even within the asexual community. How do you know you’re attracted to someone if you don’t feel sexual attraction? It’s a tough one for me to answer because I don’t know how attraction feels when it IS sexual; it’s difficult to deconstruct what I feel and compare it to something I’ve never experienced. But I’ll try my best.

I remember the first time I saw a picture of Remy. It was in the AVEN chatroom not too long after we first met there; I don’t remember what the topic was at the time, but somewhere in the midst of it he posted a link to a picture of himself with bright, lime green hair, and I remember thinking to myself, Wow. What an absolutely amazing person.

I looked at that picture for a long time, and found myself really wanting to get to know him better, not because he was good looking (which he is) but because he looked like an incredibly interesting person. The way he presented himself - his clothes, his hair, the way he was posing in the picture… it was like a visual representation of his personality, and I liked it. He looked like someone who would be fun to talk to and spend time with.

I’m emphasizing how I felt about his appearance here because the way people look seems to be a big part of sexual attraction. There was never a point when I looked at that picture or other pictures after it where I felt any sort of physical desire for him. I did want to kiss him after we’d gotten closer, but other than that the only physical urge I felt was a desire to be able to reach out and touch him in person. I wanted to hug him and touch his face and hold his hand and just know what it felt like to be in the same room with him. Now that we’re living together I can do all of those things, and they’re great, but the actual attraction that I feel for him comes from who he is as a person.

REMY: The first time I saw pictures of Seth was probably on his Facebook page, but he was wearing a hat and/or shades in all of them so I couldn't really see what he looked like. I had to really get to know him in order to get that privilege. I fell in love with his face during those long evening Skype conversations. I know Seth doesn't really like compliments about his looks but I do like the way he looks. I do find him aesthetically attractive. However, looking at him doesn't actually turn me on sexually.

There is also an intellectual attraction that I feel toward him. I love his mind and the way he thinks. We share a very similar way of looking at the world and analyzing it.

But I think for me the most attractive thing about Seth is that he plays with me. He is definitely an adult. He takes responsibility for himself and his actions. He works hard for his money and is very careful with it after he gets paid. But he still likes to play games with me. I don't mean organized games with rules and such, I mean the types of games children play on a playground - where you just goof around and make stuff up as you go. We enjoy our time together because we don't take ourselves too seriously. We speak in funny voices, we make up words or use silly internet slang just for the hell of it.

Now, some may read this and think, "What a great friend you've got there." Well, yes. We are great friends, that's for sure. But our feelings for each other are very deep and very strong, and our relationship is emotionally intimate. We may not be sexually attracted to each other but we are very romantic with each other.

What's The Difference Between Friendship and an Asexual Relationship?

AKA the #1 most commonly asked question concerning asexual romance.

REMY: My first thought whenever hearing this question is: "Seriously? You're really asking that question?" I really don't understand the confusion, but I'll answer the question anyway.

To be blunt, I don't snog my friends. Nor do I feel the same feelings for them that I do for my partner. Don't get me wrong, I love my friends, I love them very much. But the feelings I have for them hardly compares to the deep affection I feel for Seth. It is like comparing a bathtub to a swimming pool, there's a world of difference.

Also, as I mentioned, I don't treat my friends the way I treat my partner. I may hug my friends or give them a pat on the back, but that happens infrequently. My partner, on the other hand, I kiss and cuddle with frequently.

Furthermore, at the end of the day I'm glad to see my friends leave. I enjoy their company (otherwise they wouldn't be my friends) don't want to be around them 24/7. However, I really want to to curl up next to my partner and fall asleep in their arms.

SETH: Yeah, this question always boggles my mind. I may as well go ask someone what the difference is between a relationship and a friend with benefits. I mean, they both involve sex, right? How are they different things?

The difference is that a friend with benefits is just a friend that you sleep with, while a relationship, on the other hand, is a commitment to someone who you have real feelings for. Someone who gives you butterflies in your stomach that no one else does.

There are so many other things that make a relationship. Sure, sex might be part of it, but it isn’t the foundation. Sex is more like the cheese on top of a hamburger – it’s damn good stuff, and you may never personally order a burger without it, but a cheeseless burger is still a burger. And some people like their burgers without cheese, just like some people like eating cheese straight out of the package without putting it on anything.

Sex and love are not mutually inclusive things – yeah, they go together for a lot of people, but if sex can occur without love (such as with that friend with benefits, or perhaps a one night stand) then logically we can conclude that love can occur without sex. It isn’t inferior to sexual love, it's just a different type of hamburger.

Introduction

Welcome to Kisses & Cake, a blog about asexual couplehood written by an asexual couple.

While there are a lot of blogs out there that are about asexuality or are run by an asexual person, we noticed that there didn't seem to be one that explored the topic of asexual relationships from the viewpoint of two aces who are in one together. Seeing as this is a subject that many people are curious/confused about, and seeing as we're shameless and will jump for any excuse to talk about each other, we decided to go ahead and create one ourselves!

REMY: On AVEN I am known as Shockwave but originally used the name Xenius13. I was born in May 1972 and have been living in the Portland, OR area for almost three years now (and in Portland proper for two years) though I lived in the Provo, UT area for most of my life. I have been an active member of the Asexual community since June 2004, which makes me a veteran, considering the AVEN forum was started barely two years before that.

SETH: I first joined AVEN two years ago under the username WaffleM; nowadays I go by Lego M there and pretty much everywhere else on the internet. I'm 25 years old, and while I've had a general awareness of my asexuality since I was 18 I didn't properly understand and identify with it until two years ago. I consider myself to be panromantic and also identify as genderqueer/trans*; I may or may not talk more about that here sometime if I feel it's relevant. I've been living in Portland with Remy for a month now, though we started out in a long distance relationship.

That's about it for an introductory post. Keep an eye out for future ramblings here from the both of us.