Nonsexual Attraction

SETH: This is another topic I see questions about a lot, even within the asexual community. How do you know you’re attracted to someone if you don’t feel sexual attraction? It’s a tough one for me to answer because I don’t know how attraction feels when it IS sexual; it’s difficult to deconstruct what I feel and compare it to something I’ve never experienced. But I’ll try my best.

I remember the first time I saw a picture of Remy. It was in the AVEN chatroom not too long after we first met there; I don’t remember what the topic was at the time, but somewhere in the midst of it he posted a link to a picture of himself with bright, lime green hair, and I remember thinking to myself, Wow. What an absolutely amazing person.

I looked at that picture for a long time, and found myself really wanting to get to know him better, not because he was good looking (which he is) but because he looked like an incredibly interesting person. The way he presented himself - his clothes, his hair, the way he was posing in the picture… it was like a visual representation of his personality, and I liked it. He looked like someone who would be fun to talk to and spend time with.

I’m emphasizing how I felt about his appearance here because the way people look seems to be a big part of sexual attraction. There was never a point when I looked at that picture or other pictures after it where I felt any sort of physical desire for him. I did want to kiss him after we’d gotten closer, but other than that the only physical urge I felt was a desire to be able to reach out and touch him in person. I wanted to hug him and touch his face and hold his hand and just know what it felt like to be in the same room with him. Now that we’re living together I can do all of those things, and they’re great, but the actual attraction that I feel for him comes from who he is as a person.

REMY: The first time I saw pictures of Seth was probably on his Facebook page, but he was wearing a hat and/or shades in all of them so I couldn't really see what he looked like. I had to really get to know him in order to get that privilege. I fell in love with his face during those long evening Skype conversations. I know Seth doesn't really like compliments about his looks but I do like the way he looks. I do find him aesthetically attractive. However, looking at him doesn't actually turn me on sexually.

There is also an intellectual attraction that I feel toward him. I love his mind and the way he thinks. We share a very similar way of looking at the world and analyzing it.

But I think for me the most attractive thing about Seth is that he plays with me. He is definitely an adult. He takes responsibility for himself and his actions. He works hard for his money and is very careful with it after he gets paid. But he still likes to play games with me. I don't mean organized games with rules and such, I mean the types of games children play on a playground - where you just goof around and make stuff up as you go. We enjoy our time together because we don't take ourselves too seriously. We speak in funny voices, we make up words or use silly internet slang just for the hell of it.

Now, some may read this and think, "What a great friend you've got there." Well, yes. We are great friends, that's for sure. But our feelings for each other are very deep and very strong, and our relationship is emotionally intimate. We may not be sexually attracted to each other but we are very romantic with each other.