Today's subject is physical intimacy and asexuality. And by "physical intimacy" we mean anything from holding hands to having sex.
REMY: I've noticed a lot of diversity within the asexual community on the subject of physical intimacy. For example, I know one person who can't even stand the sound of kissing, and another who recently became a parent (the natural way). Some people seem quite uncomfortable with any kind of physical intimacy at all while others are okay with having sex (and some can even enjoy it). And of course I have seen every comfort level between these two extremes.
When it comes to being in a romantic relationship it's very important that the people involved be compatible in the area of physical intimacy. This doesn't mean that they have to like all the same kinds of affection, just that they have be comfortable with what the other wants to do. And if partner A wants to do something that partner B isn't comfortable with it, then partner A needs to be okay with not doing it. If there's a big discrepancy one or both partners can come to feel unfulfilled.
SETH: One of the reasons our relationship works so well is because Remy and I both have the same comfort level, or close to it. We both enjoy kisses and touching and physical closeness. We’re also comfortable with experimenting with sexuality, which is something that I personally thought I’d never be okay with.
Having an asexual partner has actually made me more open to many of the more physical aspects of relationships, because I know that neither of us is being driven by some kind of sexual need for whatever it is we’ve decided to experiment with. Knowing that he feels the same way that I do, that we’re both just playing around for curiosities sake and that if one of us gets bored it’s no big deal to stop and do something else instead makes me feel a lot more open to trying things that I’d ordinarily never try.
It's important as well to realize that you can try - and enjoy - physical parts of relationships and still be asexual. That, however, is another topic for another day.
Any loving couple respects the others comfort level in of all aspects of life. To most I know sex is mutual expression of romantic, loving intimacy - not a "need". Couples enjoy this expression as much or as little as works for them. To say you are enjoying sexual intimacy is contradictory to being asexual, i.e.:the lack of interest in and desire for sex. Sounds like time for an honest evaluation of your views on sex. You've really lost me here.
ReplyDeleteAnonymous: Asexuality is not "the lack of interest in and desire for sex." Asexuality is a sexual orientation, and as such is defined by to whom you are and are not sexually attracted. An asexual person is one who is not sexually attracted to anyone or anything.
ReplyDelete-Remy
Anonymous: It is possible to enjoy sexual activity with a person without experiencing a sexual attraction to that person. I can enjoy chocolate cake without experiencing a craving for it.
ReplyDeleteSexual attraction or desire is needed for arousal to perform sex. No "craving" is necessary. You can't enjoy chocolate cake if you can't eat or taste it!
ReplyDeleteAnonymous: Sexual desire and sexual attraction are not the same thing. People of all orientations have varying degrees of desire, from very little to very much. One's libido does not determine one's orientation.
ReplyDeleteWe suggest clicking the link in the sidebar titled "What is asexuality?" or going to http://asexuality.org to learn more about the topic.
-Remy
I agree that both people need to be on the same page in terms of expectations and comfort level, in any relationship. It's even better if you are both on the same need or want level as well.
ReplyDeleteI would guess that a big difference at between an ace/ace and ace/sexual relationship is that (usually) a sexual person gets an emotional fulfillment from sex while an asexual person does not, or it's harder for them to feel this. So while the physical challenges may be similar in any pairing, it's the emotional differences are starker.