Defining Asexuality

SETH: We kinda started this blog with an idea that the people who would be reading it would already have a general sort of concept of what asexuality is, however, looking back, we probably should have done some basic explaining in the beginning. So, a month or so in, here's what should have been one of our first topics - defining asexuality.

I'd like to start this off by going over what asexuality is not. It is not:

• Celibacy
• A dislike of sex
• A lack of libido
• Closet homosexuality
• A lifestyle
• A choice in any way

What asexuality IS:

• A sexual orientation characterized by a lack of sexual attraction towards anyone, regardless of gender.

There is a common misconception that to be asexual is to be completely averse to all forms of sexuality, and that a “true” asexual person has never had sex, is never going to, and is repulsed by the very idea of it. While that is the case for some asexual people, it is by no means the definition of asexuality. The only thing that actually defines asexuality as a whole is what is written above - the simple lack of feeling sexual attraction towards other people.

Consider a young girl who has not yet had sex but identifies as being heterosexual. Her lack of sexual experience with men does not invalidate her orientation, nor does her eventual experiences with sex make her more of a “real” heterosexual than she was previously – she is heterosexual because of the simple fact that she likes boys. Alternatively, consider a homosexual man who is afraid of coming out of the closet or doesn't want to disappoint his family, prompting him to enter a relationship with a woman and possibly even marry her just for the sake of seeming “normal”. This relationship doesn't mean that he isn't gay, and even if he has sex with his wife 100 times, it won't change the fact that deep down, he isn't actually attracted to her sexually.

Likewise, an asexual person can enter a sexual relationship and still identify as asexual, because it isn't your behavior that defines your orientation, it's who you are – and are not – sexually attracted to.

REMY: If we look up asexual in a dictionary we may find a definition similar to "Lacking interest in or desire for sex." This definition may be applicable in many situations, but it is not the definition of asexual in terms of sexual orientation. Unfortunately, many people when first becoming acquainted with asexuality may find this definition and think that is what people mean when they say they are asexual. Granted, many people in the asexual community do not have any interest in or desire for sex, but this is by no means the norm.

Sexual orientation is defined by to whom one is and is not attracted. Although it is often explained as merely to whom one feels sexual attraction, this is an incomplete picture of the nature of sexual orientation. If someone describes themselves as homosexual they mean not only that they are attracted to the same sex but they are also not attracted to the opposite sex, otherwise they would describe themselves as bisexual or pansexual. Therefore, we must define sexual orientation in terms of to whom one is not attracted as well.

Asexuality is, simply put, an orientation in which the individual is not sexually attracted to anybody or anything.

Occasionally I see questions or concerns directed at asexual people about them never getting to experience love because of their asexuality. For some people, it seems, the concepts of romance and sexuality are inseparable. However, whenever I have asked a heterosexual person if the people with whom they think they could fall in love and the people to whom they are sexually attracted are always the same people they invariably say no. So it seems that romance and sexuality are not the same thing.

As two asexual people in a romantic relationship we are living proof that we don't need to experience sexual attraction to know love.